dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
