Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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