What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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