My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
