Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
false alarm, still single
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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