Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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