we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
