i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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