Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize