I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
What a dumb baby whore.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
