You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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