A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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