I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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