You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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