quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
