literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize