Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
