1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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