Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
