I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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