i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
