remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am never drinking with the goths again.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
