He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
