Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
