I wish my penis had an off switch
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
