So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
