Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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