Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
