Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
