hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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