it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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