You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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