Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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