just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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