How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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