I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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