I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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