he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
