I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
