first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
