dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
