Kiss
Puke
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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