We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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