I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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