when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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