I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
