I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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