but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
