I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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