From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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