Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
