Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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