oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
