You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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