dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
