she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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